How to De-escalate Conflict with Lieutenant Kevin Dillon (Ret.)

In this episode of Inspire Synergy, host Steve Cully sits down with Retired Lieutenant Kevin Dillon (KD), a 25-year veteran of the Wethersfield, Connecticut Police Department and founder of the L.O.C.K.U.P. and L.E.A.D.S. training programs. Co-hosts Jah and Razul dive deep into the psychology of de-escalation, emotional intelligence, communication breakdowns in modern society, and how men can redefine strength through empathy and composure. KD shares powerful lessons from law enforcement, neuroscience, and everyday life that apply just as much to relationships and leadership as they do to policing.

Listen to the full episode here.

Host (Steve Cully):
We have a very special guest with us today — Mr. Kevin Dillon, also known as KD. Thank you so much for taking the time to be with us. I’ve heard a lot of great things about you. Would you start by sharing a little about your background and what you’re currently doing with the House of Changes?

KD:
Sure. I’m Lieutenant Kevin Dillon, retired from law enforcement. My martial arts journey began when I was about 14. I trained under Carl Thomas, a Green Beret and police officer, who became a real mentor. I always wanted to be a police officer, and by the time I was 19, I was on the job with the Wethersfield Police Department in Connecticut.

My mom had to buy my bullets for me because you couldn’t purchase ammunition until twenty-one — true story! I served twenty-five years and kept up my martial arts training throughout. I eventually developed a physical arrest and control program called L.O.C.K.U.P., an acronym for Law Officers’ Combat Kinetics for Unarmed Panoply — basically a complete set of skills for law enforcement.

In 2007, I launched another program called L.E.A.D.S. — Law Enforcement Active Diffusion Strategies — focusing on communication and de-escalation. I come from a family business background too; my dad owned a restaurant, so I learned a lot about people and communication early on. Those lessons helped me realize that communication is a learned behavior — and today’s younger generation struggles because they rely so much on texting instead of face-to-face interaction.

Early Lessons and Turning Points

KD:
A big turning point in my life was losing my older brother, who was my protector and hero. That loss pushed me deeper into martial arts and later shaped how I approached policing and training. Another defining moment came at the FBI Academy during a case study about a murdered officer. The officer had defaulted to a habit — trying to handcuff his killer — instead of defending himself. That experience inspired me to focus on teaching officers about mindset, emotional control, and muscle memory under stress.

Handling “First Amendment Auditors” and Public Confrontations

Host:
I’ve seen videos of “First Amendment auditors” who film officers to provoke reactions for clicks. Some do it calmly, but others push limits. How do you train officers to handle those kinds of situations?

KD:
That’s a great question. Anger is everywhere these days, and it’s often involuntary. Stress, financial issues, or personal struggles can make someone more reactive. The key is teaching officers how to recognize and manage their own emotional responses.

When you get angry, oxygen leaves the logical part of your brain and goes to your muscles. You literally lose your ability to reason. So step one is to take a deep breath — refill that oxygen. Then engage your reasoning: Why is this person so upset? What’s really going on here? That mental shift activates a different part of the brain and helps de-escalate both sides.

Jah:
That’s something we’ve seen with Razul — he takes a deep breath in tense moments, and everyone around him starts doing the same.

KD:
Exactly. That’s called mirroring. When a leader models calm breathing or composure, others subconsciously follow. It’s neuroscience — mirror neurons at work.

De-escalation and Emotions

Host:
A lot of people say officers should always de-escalate. But what if the other person doesn’t cooperate?

KD:
That’s the thing — de-escalation always takes two. There’s no magic dust that makes someone calm down. You can only control yourself. The best officers keep refining their communication skills daily — it’s like sharpening a sword. Continuous learning is essential. I’ve spoken at FBI academies and international law enforcement conferences, and the message is always the same: refine your skills every day.

Recognizing Stress and Emotional Triggers

Host:
How can officers tell when someone’s in distress or about to become confrontational?

KD:
When someone’s emotionally charged, “command presence” doesn’t work. You can’t reason with someone whose logical brain is offline. You have to acknowledge their state first:

“You seem really upset — help me understand what’s going on.”

Then ask:

“What’s most important for us to talk about right now?”

Those kinds of questions re-engage their logic and redirect energy from emotion to problem-solving.

Feelings vs. Emotions

Host:
What’s the difference between feelings and emotions?

KD:
They’re closely related. “Emotion” comes from the Latin motui — meaning “to move.” Emotions trigger physical sensations: sweaty palms, a knot in your stomach, tense shoulders. Your brain is interpreting a stimulus and sending signals through your body.

But here’s something fascinating: studies show it takes only ten exposures for your body to sense something’s wrong — but forty exposures for your logical brain to catch up. That’s how strong our emotional response is compared to our thinking brain.

Memory, Habit, and Automatic Behavior

Host:
You mentioned habit earlier. How does memory tie into training?

KD:
What we call “muscle memory” is really neural pathways. The more you repeat a skill, the stronger those pathways become. That’s why training must be spaced out and repeated — not crammed into one session. It’s how you move from deliberate action to automatic response, what we call procedural memory.

Unfortunately, that same process explains tragic mistakes — like officers defaulting to a habit under stress instead of adapting to danger.

Negative Self-Talk and Mindset

Razul:
We often talk about negative self-talk in our programs. How does that play into de-escalation or performance?

KD:
It’s huge. Negative self-talk triggers the stress centers of the brain, releases cortisol, and can make you freeze. Positive self-talk and posture, on the other hand, increase testosterone and clarity. Visualization works too. You’re literally rewiring neural pathways when you change how you talk to yourself.

Relationships and Communication

Jah:
You also talk about communication in relationships. How does your work apply there?

KD:
Conflict is natural, but growth comes from how we handle it. The biggest problem? People don’t listen. Especially men — we jump to problem-solving. Instead, ask:

“Do you want me to help solve this, or do you just want me to listen?”

And when you argue, try a “time out”:

“I’ll listen to you for one minute without interrupting. Then you do the same.”

That technique — what I call limbic reset — breaks emotional ping-pong and reintroduces calm communication.

Knowing When to Act

Host:
When does de-escalation end and physical control become necessary?

KD:
If someone starts showing pre-attack indicators — clenched fists, shifting stance, scanning your body — call it out:

“Why are you balling your fists like that?”

That forces them to think and breaks the attack pattern. If they ignore you and start moving in, that’s when control tactics come in. Awareness and timing are critical.

Training for Communities and Nonprofits

Razul:
How can nonprofits like the House of Changes use de-escalation techniques in daily work?

KD:
De-escalation isn’t just a police skill — it’s a life skill. It starts with professional communication: respect, tone, and body language. Even something simple like standing up to greet someone shows respect and sets the tone. Many conflicts happen because people don’t know these basic signals.

On Technology, Youth, and Communication Breakdown

Host:
What’s your take on how social media and phones affect communication and bullying?

KD:
It’s devastating. Today’s biggest addiction isn’t drugs — it’s the cell phone. Every notification releases dopamine. That’s why kids can’t put their phones down.

Cyberbullying has replaced physical bullying, and it’s more dangerous because it never stops. Kids don’t have the emotional tools to disconnect. Parents have to step up — set phone curfews, monitor usage, and model good communication themselves.

On Masculinity and Motivation

Jah:
How can your philosophy redefine masculinity and help men build safer communities?

KD:
Men often equate strength with dominance, but true strength is self-control. I use something called motivational interviewing — instead of telling people what to do, I guide them to say it themselves. People are far more likely to follow through on what they say than what you tell them.

Ask open questions like,

“What are your thoughts on that?”
“What’s one step you could take?”

That empowers people, especially men, to take ownership of change.

Conflict and Communication

Razul:
Many men avoid conflict. What’s your advice for addressing it early and productively?

KD:
Avoiding conflict only builds anxiety. The best approach is simple:

“Hey, did I do something to upset you?”

You’re not accusing — you’re opening the door for communication. That disarms defensiveness and usually clears the air right away. Most tension stems from miscommunication, not malice.

Fear and High-Conflict Situations

Razul:
What if you’re supposed to de-escalate, but you’re terrified of the person?

KD:
Acknowledge your fear internally, then find a professional way to pause. Say:

“You’ve given me a lot to think about. Let’s take a break, and I’ll get back to you.”

That lets you leave safely while maintaining respect and authority. Always have an exit plan. Fear is natural, but how you manage it defines your professionalism.

Final Thoughts

KD:
Whether it’s policing, nonprofit work, or everyday relationships — communication, awareness, and empathy are everything. De-escalation starts with you. Control your breathing, your mindset, and your tone. That’s how you lead, resolve conflict, and build trust.

Host:
Powerful insights, KD. Thank you so much for joining us and sharing your expertise with the Inspire Synergy community.

KD’s perspective bridges tactical skill and emotional intelligence, proving that calm, empathy, and composure are the true foundations of strength. Whether in law enforcement, leadership, or daily life, his message is universal: when you master yourself, you can handle anything — and help others do the same.

Don’t forget to check out the full Inspire Synergy podcast series here as we explore topics such as mental health, fatherhood, spiritual health, fitness and finances.